When my husband and I were engaged we often talked about children, how many we wanted, possible names, and even the themes the rooms would be. Then we talked about the planning it would take for us to even start trying. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis while him and I were dating and the medicines I was taking for this could cause many fetal issues, birth defects and even death of a fetus. Most days I couldn’t function without medicine, but in the fall of 2012 at a three month follow up with my rheumatologist I told him I wanted to come off my medicines to try and get pregnant. We set a game plan and on January 1st 2013 I stopped all medicines.
Knowing that the next few months would be VERY hard to function, I knew I had the support of my husband and knowing what the eventual outcome could be just made my heart happy. Each month that went by that we weren’t pregnant I felt like a failure…I couldn’t give my husband something he wanted….something I wanted so bad! I was angry, frustrated, hurt, you name it and I felt it. In August my GYN wanted to do some blood work to make sure things were okay and I got a phone call from her stating she wanted me to have more blood work done, she wanted to double check some things. Since I am used to having blood work done so often with my RA, I didn’t think anything of it. On Friday I went about my day and I started bleeding. It was early but once again never thought much of it and then went for my blood work after work. Saturday morning I got up and was getting ready as I was going to spend the morning with my mom. My cell phone rang and it was my doctor’s number on the display. I was surprised and answered it. She wasn’t her happy, chipper self so I knew something was wrong. She asked me if I was doing okay and if anything had changed with me since we spoke the other day. I told her I had stated bleeding but I wasn’t concerned. The silence on the phone was deafening….she finally said to me, “Mandy, you are having a miscarriage, you were three weeks pregnant.” I couldn’t believe my ears, I couldn’t believe the hurt that my heart felt, I couldn’t believe the pit in my stomach. I went to see her Monday morning in the office and I lost it, I told her I was done, I couldn’t do this anymore. She just sat there and let me cry on her shoulder.
I made the decision that I would stop trying for a little while and go back on my RA medicines. I needed to let me body heal, to let my heart heal and take some time to step back and re-focus. I never really dealt with what happened after that day in the doctor’s office until last year at the Sweet Pea Projects Rememberance Gathering. It was very emotional and amazing all at the second time. I realized it was okay to remember him/her, to talk about it and still be upset about it. That gathering is what I needed to realize it is ok to remember.
Earlier this year I had come off all medicines so we could start trying again, however it is not in God's plan for us to have children right now. I am again back on my meds to try and save my sanity and be able to function and maybe one day we will try again. I know that whatever God has in his plans for us is what he will give us. I may not understand why things happen the way they do but I know in the long run I am a stronger person because of it.